Healing Me

And then I realised I am only a pretty face.
Like cold water it iced through my veins and sunk into the pitt of my stomach.

This was the very principle I stood against. Being a piece of flesh, ready to be devoured by every living predator that might (or might not) pass me by.

Such a bitter disappointment.

But worse, and more concerning —I was the cause of this unbecoming image. I bestowed it upon myself. By being the sorrowful victim playing the part of the heroic warrior, being pushed aside by unforgiving circumstances and un-empathetic souls which I encountered on a day to day basis.
In this falsehood I indulged, wearing hurt and suffering like a godly cloak around my being. I could not wait to pour my heart, my love and my sorrow to all who would lend an ear.

But as it is the characteristic of truth, sooner or later it forces itself upon you, halting your existence and allowing you to see what you have been so desperate to avoid.
And why, one would ask, would you want to hide from such a purity when you know the amount of light it will bring into your life?
Because then you have to admit. Because then you have to bend the knee and be responsible.

I am the reason why tears are part of my make-up each day. I am the reason hurt seems like a designer gown, tailored to cling to every curve I am made of. I am the reason my heart beats alive an empty soul.

And that is where I have to start. By taking responsibility for the me that I am and the me that I want to be. I have to rebuild all the little pieces of self that I gave away in this frantic whirl wind of trying to please all that surrounds me. I have to nurture me —not again loose the parts that are so vital and significant to the smile in my heart.

Today was step one. I acknowledge. I know. I admit.
And now I will be …

I will not be a being of sorrow -for who would want to be demented in a life with that? The fast emptiness inside will be filled and I will be ready to give only of the overflow of my mended heart. I will not be only a pretty face, but I will be a happy heart.